100 things I hate about the tube

* Work in progress *

1. Smelly people
2. Smelly people's armpits in your face
3. Other people's armpits in your face
4. Weekend closures
5. Severe delays
6. Minor delays
7. Signal Failure
8. Track replacement work
9. "The Gap"
10. Delays due to a person under a train
11. Delays due to The Ashcloud (WTF?!)
12. Bums sleeping on the tube
13. Bums playing guitar on the tube and asking money for it
14. Bums playing guitar on the tube and not asking for it
15. Bums just asking for money
16. People on the platform blocking the exits so you can't get out
17. People on the platform getting in before they let people of the tube
18. People who think there's just enough room left for them to get on
19. People who think there's just enough room left for them and their suitcases to get on
20. People who think there's just enough room left for them and their children and buggies to get on
21. Children who forget to get of with their parents and cry
22. Children who cry
23. Children who scream
24. Children think they can climb on me
25. People who faint on the tube
26. People who are sick on the tube
27. People that cough in my face
28. People that sneeze in my face
29. People that cough at the back of my head
30. People that sneeze at the back of my head
31. Little people that cough on my coat
32. Little people that sneeze on my coat
33. Dirty old men who make the eyes at me
34. People who try to read along with the newspaper I'm reading
35. People who don't let me read along with the newspaper they're reading
36. Tropical temperatures on the tube
37. The wind when you go up the escalator at Camden Town
38. The Saturday escalator-closures at Camden Town
39. The Sunday entry-closures at Camden Town
40. People who stare at you
41. People who stare back at you when you stare at them
42. People with loud music
43. People who smoke
44. The colour of the Piccadilly and Victoria lines (Tories!)
45. The extra bit of the Circle line which is not a circle
46. The lack of black on the Northern line
47. The lack of pink on the Hammersmith and City line
48. The immense distances you have to walk to change at King's Cross
49. The part where the Northern line doesn't go to Liverpool Street
50. The bleeping light when my Oyster Card auto top-ups
51. People who keep standing in front of the entry gates when their Oyster Card/ticket doesn't work
52. People who stand still when they get of the escalator
53. People who stand still, deciding to go either right or left, at the bottom of the escalators at Camden Town
54. The last train
55. The lack of night trains
56. The 'Seek Assistance' notice when you really don't need assistance
57. People who just arrived at Heathrow on the Piccadilly line who keep sniggering at the mention of 'Cockfosters'
58. People with large suitcases who put them in the middle of the aisle
59. People with large suitcases who put them in front of the doors
60. The ridiculously large amount of Health & Safety warnings
61. The 50% discount on penalties if you pay within the first month
62. Pee smell
63. Smoke smell
64. Random horrid smell
65. Having to wait longer than 3 minutes for the next tube
66. The lifts at Goodge Street
67. The lifts at Mornington Crescent
68. The separate tube stations for the Northern and Bakerloo line at Elephant & Castle
69. The Waterloo & City line (if it exists)
70. People who press the 'open' button to open the doors
71. People who do not manage to stay on the right side on escalators
72. People who do not get 'Keep Left' signs
73. People who do not get 'Keep Right' signs
74. Groups of Spanish tourists who do know when to get off the tube
75. People who count down the stations till they have to get off
76. People who keep looking at the tube map to see where they are
77. People that keep that bags on the seat next to them
78. Dogs on the tube
79. Fat people who think they can squeeze in
80. People who keep the doors open
81. Stations flooding when it rains
82. People thinking the train will stop at Warren Street despite posters and at least 5 announcements that it won't
83. Trains saying they go to Morden that actually go to High Barnet
84. Overground being closed for half a year
85. Boring advertisements
86. Having to wait at Camden Town because all the next trains go to Morden via Bank and I want to go to Kennington via Charing Cross
87. Having to wait at Camden Town because all the next trains go to Kennington via Charing Cross and I want to go to Morden via Bank
88. The amazingly detailed and up-to-date descriptions of what they're doing when someone has jumped in front of a train
89. The absence of trash cans
90. The presence of trash
91. Couples
92. Old people who want you and no one else to give up your seat for them
93. Other people who won't give up their seat for old people
94. People that hold on to me in stead of the railing when the tube starts moving
95. Tourists who don't get that there's no money left on their Oyster Card
96. People that fart
97. People that stand in front of me while I'm sitting who fart in my face
98. People who stroll through tube stations like it's a park. IT'S NOT! Now bloody move!
99. Having to move to the front of the carriage because the last set of doors will not open
100. Having to move to the rear of the carriage because the first set of doors will not open